I Ended Up Getting Defensive

Whilst i was helping a friend to move house a number of years ago, i ended up meeting someone there who was into self-development. It didn’t take long for me to see that we had a lot in common. Another reason however, while i had everything worked out in my mind and believed that we had been brought together to create videos, i soon found out that this wasn’t the case.

When i look back on this time in my life, it was as though i had all this energy but it wasn’t being used in the right way. I would say that the person i had met, on the other hand, had been around the block a few times, so to speak, and had his feet firmly on the ground. A human doing at this stage in my life, i was focused on doing things and trying to go further with my writing career.

This was just part of it, though; the other part was that i would often feel angry and frustrated with how things were going. It was then similar to having a lot of fire power, but not being able to hit any of the targets that had been pinpointed. Still, i did what i could to not get caught up in these moments in my life and to keep going.

A different approach this person wasn’t extremely motivated, which meant that he wasn’t tearing around trying to achieve things. I found it hard to understand what was going on, and i couldn’t work out why he wasn’t more motivated. I would often ask him if he felt the need to achieve certain things and, when he said that he didn’t, i thought it was strange.

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But while i thought this was strange, he probably thought that it was strange that i needed to achieve so much. The big question during the moments when we would get together, he would often ask me why i wanted to do something and what i was looking to receive after i had experienced something. When he first started asking me this, i felt as though i was being judged.

I thought that he was asking me this because he was against what i wanted to achieve and the experiences that i was having. As far as i was concerned, i was on the right track so there was no need for me to change my approach. A seed had been planted yet even though i felt uncomfortable when he asked me this, i did my best to answer the question.

After our time together had come to an end, i would think about what he said but i would soon think about other things. What had stopped me from being able to change my behaviour was that i felt worthless – i had to achieve things to feel good about myself. Along with this, i had been spending time with people who were just as driven as i was.

Trapped if i had listened to my feelings and ignored what he said, i wouldn’t have been able to reflect on what he said. I would have believed that he was trying to hold me back and i might even have pulled away. However, while this would have stopped me from feeling uncomfortable, it wouldn’t have allowed me to grow.

I would then have done everything i could to “kill the messenger” and i probably would have suffered as time went by. A new beginning instead of gradually being able to settle down and to realise my value, i might still be tearing around trying to achieve things and getting angry and frustrated in the process. What this makes me think about is how our feelings are not always right, and if we always allow them to define our behaviour it will set us up to suffer.

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Being able to step back and to observe out inner processes is vital. The messenger if we had made more films and these conversations didn’t take place, i might still be doing the same things. This is one of the reasons why i am grateful that i came into contact with wain gordon.

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